A Little Planner-to-Bride Therapy
Let’s talk about people-pleasing while planning a wedding, friends.
If you have followed me for any amount of time, you know I am a big supporter of the guest experience. Hosting makes my heart happy and my soul sing. And I will firmly support the art of hosting until my last breath.
Hosting is important.
Thinking of others during your planning process means something.
And you should care that other people enjoy your wedding.
But you also need to go into wedding planning with healthy boundaries and a firm understanding of what you and your fiancé want your wedding to look like.
It is important that you consider your guests’ experience while planning, but it is equally, if not more important, to think about yourself.
However, the struggle to follow through on this is so real. We have been so conditioned to make decisions based on what everyone else says and we care SO much about what other people think that it can become paralyzing.
And it is a fine line, isn’t it? You want (and SHOULD) be a considerate person but you also should have the wedding of your dreams, one that is the perfect representation of your relationship with your fiancé. This is where people-pleasing while planning a wedding becomes a bit difficult.
I see this with my couples all of the time, they get caught in the struggle between designing the wedding of their dreams and listening to all of Aunt Margaret’s unsolicited opinions.
So, just how do you reconcile being a good host and staying true to your vision?
Well, I don’t really have the answer for you, which is, I realize, super unhelpful but what I do have are three tried-and-true ways to help you combat people-pleasing while planning a wedding.
3 Ways to Overcome People-Pleasing While Planning a Wedding
1 – Ask Yourself These Questions
When you feel you are losing control of the wedding planning process and that your opinions are taking the backseat to what everyone else is saying, it is time to take a deep breath and ask yourself a few questions.
What do you want this day to look like? What do you want this day to feel like?
Take a serious look at the decisions being made and ask if these decisions align with your vision. Graciously any idea that falls outside of how you see your wedding coming together.
Who is your advocate when you are making wedding decisions?
Everyone needs an advocate (or 5) when planning a wedding—someone who can support your ideas and help you see them to life. These can be your future spouse, your best friend, your planner (see point 3), or anyone that you can trust to fully support you.
These people should be the ones who will let you know when you are becoming too focused on other people’s opinions, support you when disagreements come up, and, likewise, will let you know when your ideas may not be completely reasonable.
What decisions will you regret?
There will always be a time when you have to compromise or switch directions. It is inevitable. What you don’t want is to look back and regret your decisions (or lack thereof).
So when you start to think you are too concerned with people-pleasing while planning a wedding, ask yourself what decisions will cause regret in 5 years. Will you look back in 5 years and care about which wine you served? Will it cause regret if you get a DJ instead of a band?
There is no right or wrong answer, but it is a good way to gauge which decisions are the most important to you.
2. Get the Support of Your Soon-To-Be-Spouse
Wedding planning and your wedding is such a reflection of what is to come in your life. It offers terrific insight into your future marriage and communication style.
The actual wedding planning is a great way to start working on how you handle difficult decisions together and how you handle conflict—because there will be difficult decisions and there will be conflict.
Having the support and reassurance of your spouse is not only a great start to the marriage but it will really help combat the people-pleasing tendencies.
Whether you are deciding on the venue or what cocktails to have, there will be many opinions thrown around. Looking for the support and opinion of your other half, will only deepen your bond and help you find strength in your vision.
3. Get a Wedding Planner
One of the most rewarding parts of being a wedding planner is seeing my couples’ wedding dreams come to life in the most extraordinary ways. But part of that planning is to help keep their decisions congruent with their dreams and not get derailed by the expectations of others.
This is a huge benefit of hiring a planner, one that most people don’t think about when considering a wedding planner’s services.
I advocate for you.
I help you work past unhealthy decision-making and the people-pleasing tendencies that most of us have (and that ultimately rear their ugly heads when wedding planning).
I work to keep your vision pure and true to what you want.
The mama bear in me comes out when I know my couples are just trying to please other people. It makes me sad to see them putting so much time and energy into trying to please everyone else. But it also is fulfilling for me to have the opportunity to encourage people to stay true to their own ideas and vision.
At the End of the Day…
At the end of the day, keep in mind that it is your wedding and it all comes down to what the two of you want. When we start thinking too much about others, we start to forget about what we wanted in the first place.
And none of this is to say you shouldn’t be considerate of your guests—because you should—but you can do so while keeping your wedding aligned with your vision.
Finally, remember this:
You will make choices that some people do not agree with and you will have hard conversations.
It is also okay to thank people for their thoughts and opinions and then decide to go a different direction.
At the end of the day, your job is to:
Get married to the love of your life.
Be a kind host
Do what represents you.
So what do you think about people-pleasing while planning a wedding? Is it a struggle for you or do you feel pretty in-control of your decisions?